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| Temperatures are increasing. The melted snow seeps into the ground and feeds the hybernating seeds of deceased plants. Spring is on it's way. I can feel it, even if it isn't supposed to be here for a few more months. I can smell that spring fragrance filter through my nose. I can see the sunrise and sunset shine over the grass that is now in plain view. I can taste the changing seasons. But what do I feel? I feel spring fever. My excitement is too strong to bear. | | |
| No one understands how angry I am right now. I have this "friend". We've been friends since we were 5. Lately I've noticed that she hasn't been talking to me, never giving me a hug or even saying "hi". It has been bothering me, I had no idea why she was doing this. Then I was talking to my friend. She told me something that my "friend" said. Apparently she's embarrased to be with me in public because the way I dress. I don't dress bad. She wears Abercrombie, American Eagle, clothig like that, Where as I wear clothing from stores like Glamour Kills, PacSun, and Hot Topic. Is that so bad? My personality has never changed. myabe the way I dressed has, but that doesn't make me a different person. At all. I think she is doing this because she constantly tells me she wants a boyfriend. She has pushed every friend she has had that wasn't a "prep" in the dark, or just didn't like for some reason or another. I don't get it. What have I done for one of my best friends just to push me away? Just because I don't wear American Eagle doesn't mean I am a bad person. Don't friends come before boyfriends? I am so mad about this. I am even more upset than mad... I feel betrayed. I don't even think I can label her as a "friend". I think the term "backstabber" fits the description much better. | | |
| On Sunday I found out he feels the same for me as I do for him. I honestly thought he would never feel this way. I mean, come on, there is nothing special about me. I'm just that young, ditzy girl who freaks out over the littlest things. That girl who is shorter than everyone else and is a standout. That weak, very weak girl who has been hurt too many times and is honestly scared to death with what might come in the future. I'm that girrl who suffers through everything... and yet he still wants me. He says he feels like Edward Cullen without that urge to eat me. He says he can never stop smiling ever since Sunday. He says he's never been happier. He tries every single day to see if he can see me, even if its just for five minutes. It kind of confuses me in a way because no one has ever picked me out of a crowd before like he has. It kind of shocks me when he tells me how he feels. I want to tell him how much I feel, which is more than he or anyone can imagine, but for now, all I can say is "I love you too". | | |
| Is there something mentally wrong with me? Our plans and ideas always crumble, and I always break down. You don't seem like you care, while I wipe away my helpless tears. Why am I this sensitive to the person that means the most? Is it because I'm afraid of losing you? Maybe it is the time period away from eachother if we don't see eachother tonight before the new year rolls in. I just can't take this seperation. And I can't take my vulnerability. I don't understand why I am this weak when I finally got the one thing I really wanted and needed... I don't understand what's wrong with me. | | |
| It's back. The feeling. The emptyness. The pain. It flooded back. I can barely breathe, I have to force myself to and remind myself to inhale and exhale. My body feels numb; the muscles tracing my bones and paralyzed with weakness. I haven't been hungry or craving for a meal all day. Only a small cup of water has entered my body, I've been dehydrated but never thursted for anything. What is wrong with me? I have no idea why this came back. My life seemed to finally be the way it should. Maybe I just thought too soon. Maybe I just need to relax and think. | | |
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